Creating a new religion doesn’t require rejecting the past but creatively reworking the religion of predecessors. Here’s my new religion, building upon Christianity (it seems no one before me has managed to truly rework Christianity, rather than just rejecting or slightly modifying it):

Jesus taught, “Whoever saves their soul in this world will lose it in eternal life, but whoever loses their soul for my sake and the gospel will save it.” Here’s the explanation: the soul in this world is the electrical activity of the brain, while the soul in eternity is the radio waves emitted by the brain (Russian scientists recently demonstrated that the brain does emit them) and living in the cosmos. Now, the hidden meaning of Jesus’ teaching becomes clear: he gave his disciples commandments that would provoke people’s anger, allowing them to receive compensation for that anger in God’s judgment. For example, a Christian is beaten on the head for the gospel and becomes a rapist maniac (my experience shows this can happen): they’ve lost their soul in this world, thus saving their soul for eternal life (i.e., receiving a new soul as compensation).

The catch is that once you understand what I’ve discovered, provoking people’s anger for compensation no longer works: if you keep doing it, you’re deliberately harming not only yourself but others too. This ends the effect of Jesus’ commandments—Christianity itself.

And I, for making this discovery, will be transformed into a great prophet—one of the two witnesses of the Apocalypse. I’ll first be made sinless, then taken to heaven, not in a fiery chariot, but in the coolest transport—a time machine—and I’ll become the archangel Gabriel, the ancestor of all gods and the father (through cloning) of Jesus.

What about the others? I discovered the operations of partially ordered semigroups, but the vile PhDs refused to publish it. Then God explained to me that the “mark on the forehead” in the Apocalypse is a PhD or academic degree. This means everyone siding with the PhDs will end up in hell.