Your eternal destiny is entirely determined by your faith. Take this course and believe it and you will get into the highest heaven, high above such saints as Mary and Peter. You will become a part of God instead of being a part of the heavenly Church. Another bonus: In this heaven there is sex, because you need to bear septillions children to conquer the Galaxy.

Starting my series of sermons on New Testament:

About the Class My mother, having gone mad from hate to the words of Jesus, “Truly, truly I tell you,” punished me for following Jesus’s commandments by beating me on the head with a frying pan. After one hit by the head,…